Engaging the Heart: A book review

Engaging the Heart: Understanding the Treasure Within

by Gail McWilliams

A book written to parents challenging them with the concept of moving above and beyond the culturally accepted viewpoints regarding dating, courtship and love. From the preface, Gail, a mother of 4 daughters and 1 son, writes, "This is not a self-help book or a procedures manual for love and marriage. It is, instead, a book to challenge us to find a more excellent way that goes beyond our former mindsets and commonly accepted practices. "  (p. xiii)  In regards to this "more excellent way", she challenges parents that, "Our lives must be the ceiling from which the next generation will build - one of excellence. Excellence is never perfection, however. The difference is that perfection determines there is only one right way, but excellence says, 'Sure, there is a better way.' And then, with our children by our side, we begin to search for it." (p. xii, italics mine)

This concept of striving for excellence verses perfection, by the definition she gives, is what drew me into the pages of the book. In the midst of a society laden with resources declaring the "right" way to do most anything, it is refreshing to have someone challenge us to strive for excellence rather than a man-driven perfection.

Amidst the personal stories and experience filling this book, I found a woman reaching out not only to parents with a high call to guard their children's hearts. But I saw a woman burdened for those who have been hurt and scarred by past mistakes, abuses and failures. There is instruction as well as healing in these pages.

As a parent, you will be encouraged by scriptural mandates to protect your child's physical and emotional purity. You will be blessed with practical examples of real families striving to do this in the midst of a perverse culture. Simple, yet profound keepsakes such as teacups and rings as reminders of purity. Spoken words of scriptural blessing, and even a detailed account of the symbolic elements contained in a covenant-style wedding, marriage and life. You will be sharpened in your senses and made better aware of the wolves that lie in sheep's clothing waiting to capture and deceive yourself and your children.  You will be reminded of your duty to guard your heart in your own marriage as well.

While the choices that Gail and her family have made as they've grown their children are different in many ways to the choices my husband and I are making, I am grateful to learn from her experiences and glean from the fruit they have harvested in their children's lives. Knowing that this "lofty" way of thinking can, does, and has worked for other families is such an encouragement to us as we strive to follow biblical thinking rather than worldly reasoning. We can stand strong knowing, as she points out, "Fears of being called 'old fashioned' or 'a prude' are often excuses for saying, 'I don't want to put forth the effort to make it safer for my children.'  Communication and praying together will fuse our hearts to work for each other's success." (p. 26)

Three particular stories or points Gail shared spoke to my heart regarding this new (to us) yet age-old and trusted territory of Courtship. She states, "In some circles, in an effort to make dating seem more honorable, the word courtship has replaced the word dating, but the fruit of it is often the same. Courtship is not being isolated and your parents micro-manage your social calendar. Instead, courtship creates freedom to live your life with a heart that is untangled, a conscience that is clear and a morality that is without compromise. I believe the core issue is guarding the heart." (p. 29, italics mine)  From there, she uses life lessons from their own family experiences to build the image of how this happens.

First, a discussion "overheard" by readers with close family friends. The topic is the phrase and concept of being "asleep in Christ", as it relates to a young woman's life.  "If a young single woman was asleep it did not mean she had to miss out on life and be comatose. Quite to the contrary, it described a season where no special person of interest distracted her as she was broadening her skills, education, interests and just loving life. In this state she could be focused as she waited for the day her prince would arrive for her hand. Though the concept may seem a bit like a fairy tale, the posture is more peaceful than anxiously looking at every male who walks in the door and asking, 'Is he the one?'" (p.30)  What a precious vision for our daughters of a life rich in service, experience and time given to grow their hearts and minds for the glory of God!

Next, in the chapter titled, Secret Garden, she shares the wisdom she and her daughters gleaned from another family raising daughters of great virtue. We are given an analogy of a young woman's life and purity represented by a garden, as described in the book of Song of Solomon. "'The fresh fountains, fruit-bearing plants and sweet fragrances reflect their lives, filled with potential and new buds. The garden will need some attention to develop into its full beauty: watering, weeding, pruning and a watchful eye.'"  (p.31) Gail then asks, "'Where do you see the father in this garden?'" The reply is, "'He stands at the gate of the garden.'" She then describes his role and responsibility as one who "insures the garden is not interrupted by unwelcomed visitors...before it has time to blossom and become ripe.  Ideally, the father is to actively engage with the garden's growth and well-being while securing the safety of his secret garden - the heart of his daughter. 'The gatekeeper will need wisdom.'" (p. 32)

The passage also includes a reference to winds of adversity and winds of pleasurable times. In light of this, the mother explains, "In both seasons, a heart should be focused on the Master Gardener. He is the One who, in time, will bring forth the fruit whose taste will be pleasant to all.'" (p. 32)

We find here a wonderful image of the role parents have in preparing their "gardens" to grow healthy, fruitful and, one day, to be a blessing for all. As I am learning, gardening is a strenuous, sometimes tedious, repetitive task that brings about a harvest of joy just because of the work invested. May our efforts to keep the "gardens" of our daughter's hearts bring an abundant and ever-bearing harvest!

Finally, there is a beautiful description given of the courtship process of their first-married daughter. I cherish this story, as it gives me a practical look into how this really works. In summary, a young man who was friendly with their family, came to the father to share his interest in their daughter. In response, the father arranged private, weekly meetings with this young man. Together they studied the scripture and grew to know and love one another. During this time, the father protected the daughter by keeping these meetings a secret. His desire was to guard her heart and keep her emotions from rising up before the proper time.  In the end, these two young people were discipled, guarded and loved to a place where they could come together in confidence, freedom and assurance of the Lord's blessing on their lives.

What I appreciated more than anything else in this story was the amazing relationship that developed between the father and this young man.  In that, rather than an emphasis on just two people developing a "safe" love relationship, there is a focus on the real future that involves a larger picture. When a man and woman join in marriage, that involves far more than just two hearts. Regardless of the health of the family relationships, there will always be two (or more) families joining together. That involves many hearts. I am so impressed and rejoice in seeing how this father accepted his role to mentor this young man who sought to enter into a love relationship with his entire family. To me, I see the foundation laid for a strong multi-generational blessing for all families involved.  I pray the Lord will continue to give us wisdom as we seek to honor Him in these same ways.

I closed this book with an appetite to learn, grow and find more ways to understand and apply the biblical principles of protecting our children's purity and guarding their tender hearts. I appreciated her example of building strong communication with her daughters as they grew "from the stroller" to marriage and beyond. I took these admonishments for our daughter's lives and flipped them around as a challenge in how we will raise our sons as well. We pray they will grow to be humble, teachable and worthy of guarding the young ladies hearts they encounter as they grow. And, finally, we are compelled to pray even more fervently that the Lord would raise up His truth to others so that our children will find the blessing He has planned for their futures.

A dear friend recommended this book to me, and I am grateful. Not only for the insights I gained, but also to know we can partner together in this worthy task of guarding our children's hearts. I am eager to find more resources that give testimonies and personal stories of courtship and marriage. If you have any you can recommend, please share.