I've been taking this resting time after Baby's birth to reflect on how the Lord has been working in our lives. As I look through my journal, it is amazing to me that only a month has passed in this journey. So much of my thoughts, emotions and heart has been tied up in these lessons the Lord has been teaching me through this pregnancy and it's challenges. I'm afraid a huge part of me has retreated from the other areas of my life that needed attention. Yet, I could not find it in me to see beyond the trees of this forest I was in. I confess, that the issues we dealt with seem miniscule compared to many challenges we could have faced. Yet, in the midst of my fears, the Lord was patient and kind.
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Journal entry:
March 16, 2010
Today is my 3 hour glucose test. I am so relieved, and yet anxious at the same time. Father, I have not been walking in faith through this. I have been carrying fear, anxiety, confusion, frustration - so many stressful emotions. So many thoughts and actions that have drawn me away from you. How much have I even prayed about this? I say I just want answers - to know what to do - yet, I haven't truly asked You. I am looking for human wisdom for something that has no clear answer. These tests, these issues - even the medical community disagrees. Lord, You are creating this child. You know exactly what this baby needs to grow. You know where we need to be to keep Baby healthy and safe.
You also know our fears. You know the obstacles we face in having a hospital birth. You know our financial needs. You know how impossible that path looks to us. These words have brought me back to my senses.
"But the Lord is faithful, who shall stablish you and keep you from evil." 1 Thes. 3:3
How I need these words of comfort and hope. Truly, my mind sees the hospital and it's methods as "evil". I fear their judgement on me. I fear their intrusions and being forced into decisions and treatments. I fear the division that it all can cause between David and myself. Please, stablish me. You are faithful. I have not been faithful here. I have not turned to You. I've asked others to pray, yet I have not.
"So that we ourselves glory in you in the churches of God for your patience and faith in all your persecutions and tribulations that ye endure." 1 Thes. 1:4
I have not been patient. I have not had faith. I have given up even wanting to endure. Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me for pursuing man's wisdom and knowledge above Your own. Forgive me for giving up on Your faithfulness to me. You have not left me. You have not given up on me. You will not. You will stablish me and keep me from evil. Help me walk with you and receive your work in my life today.
Stablish (sterizo) - to make stable, place firmly, set fast, fix to strengthen, make firm, to render constant, comfirm one's mind. Strengthen, steadfastly set.
Your promise is to make me stable, place me firmly in the right way. To strengthen me, to confirm my mind. You will give me the confidence to follow You.
Keep (phullasso) - to guard; to watch; guard to keep me safe lest I suffer violence, be despoiled; to protect; to keep from being snatchd away, preserve safe and unimpaired; to guard from being lost or perishing.
From - Separation
Evil (poneros) - full of labors, annoyances, hardships; pressed and harrassed by labors; bringing toils, annoyances, perils: of a time full of peril to christian faith and steadfastness; causing pain and trouble; in a physical sense: diseased or blind; in an ethical sense: evil, wicked, bad.
You will make me stable and firm by your protection over me. Through this, You will separate me from the annoyances, toils, labors, hardships, blindness and disease around me. I will and am in the midst of these evils, yet You keep me separate from it.
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That day I failed the test. Yet, I gained new hope and confidence in the Lord's purpose and promise to carry me through and accomplish His plan.
