Burn Out

I'm a homeschooling mom. I have eight children. My oldest child is 16 years old. According to *my* definition of home education, I've been at this homeschooling business for, oh...sixteen years now.

For some reason, I was asked to speak on avoiding homeschool burn-out. I've decided it was because the Lord had some things for me to learn in this because I certainly have struggled this whole month to have anything clever to share. Let's just all agree from this point on that I don't have this all figured out and anything we get out of this is completely by the grace of a great, mighty, and gracious God that we are privileged to know and serve.

The term "burn-out" is catchy. I hear it a lot in different circles and especially among homeschooling families. When someone uses the term they often conjur up funny images of mothers with hair gone wild, books scattered about, babies screaming, children running amuck, and pot of something boiling over. There is a look of desperation in her eyes as she has that "he better be home in five minutes or I go into full-blown melt-down" aroma steaming from her ears, right?

Thing is, we can giggle at the images posted on a newsfeed but the reality of burn-out isn't funny. When you're that mom gasping for air you need a lot more than a joke to pull you from the fray. But, what is it you need? How did you get here in the first place? Why didn't you see this coming? What is the cause of this and how do I make it stop? Those are the questions that are so heavy you can barely lift your head to ask them.

If I ask this group of ladies what they do to avoid burn-out, I'd get a list of helpful and similar asnwers. I've asked groups of ladies similar to this one. Here are some things they suggested:

1. Staying connected in the homeschool community on a regular basis. That might look like a weekly park playdate for some groups, a homeschool mom's support group, a book club that is reading a homeschool-relevant book (Sally Clarkson type books or perhaps a Charlotte Mason study group), etc.

2. Finding a curriculum that WORKS for your family.

3. Take your home under control. The added stress of a chaotic household, dissheveled surroundings, lost items, too much clutter and junk only serve to add an extra burden to what is already an intensive job! If you need help getting it under control, seek out help! Even professional help. Homeschool moms need their homes to work for them and not against them. If your professional office looked like your home, would you be able to function at your highest level? As a homeschool mom, your home IS your office!

4. Do not be afraid to say "no". There are many good things and opportunities out there, but keep discernment to what the BEST and most beneficial things are. We do want to keep our kids connected, but be sure you aren't in overkill mode. Homeschool families and especially large homeschool families have different benefits, different challenges, and different needs than your average "one boy, one girl, public school" American family does. You can't compare yourself against other families who seem to have it all nailed down, especially when they do not have the same logistics as your family does.

Quality friends .. I avoid burn out with good friends to pray for me and encourage me along the way.

Four day school weeks. Having a day off a week helps me plow through and know the house will be caught up on the fifth day. It also leaves room for feild trips and coop.

Breaks, especially a long Christmas one. Makes it seem like a new year come January.

Workbinders. I keep all the weeks worth of worksheets and handouts in a workbinder for each kid and I have one with teachers grids for each kid and our logs. It helps to have a visual of what needs to be accomplished.

A trash can, sometimes u just need to scrap something on the plan.

A good plan.. I like to be prepared as much in advance as possible. Keeps me from planning burn out.

Always keep the Big picture in mind. When you are in seasons of your life that are very demanding and you need to peg back a little keep the BIG picture in mind of what you are doing in the Lord's strength- this keeps you on track and keeps perspective.

Do a little each day- on days that you are feeling low and drained even just doing a little work with the dc keeps you on track and prevents the guilty feelings, " Oh, I have not done any 'school' today"

Committ every year and every day to the Lord. Remember He is our Master- not the curriculum, not the dc, not the Home school groups etc but the Lord.We are to serve Him first.

For ME, just scrapping the schedule some days and watching a movie together or just playing or whatever REALLY helps me...IF I give myself permission to not stress that we are "getting behind"....

Getting together with homeschooling moms is REALLY helpful to me, but I don't get to much.
I think the number one thing that helps me when I'm feeling burnt out is to cut myself some slack and take a day off! Don't be so legalistic to my school schedule that if makes me feel confined.

Burn-out for me is when the schedule is so tight, that I can only do urgent basics (barely), and I have no time to catch-up on very essential but non-urgent activities (like time with God, time with dh, etc.). And it's especially hard when I'm doing this on consistently not-enough sleep! It seems that each morning loses it's joy, because it's just waking up to a mad rush again, only to in the end get further behind than when the day began.

To avoid burn-out, I have to re-evaluate priorities and my motives for things in our schedule. I'm and sooooo glad that God is gracious, merciful, and wanting to lead us personally!! I need his direction and help!! And my dh is helpful in helping me know what needs to stay in the schedule and what can go.

I find the more my attitude is that I need a break from my dc, the more I burn out and dislike my "job." Also building my relationship with God.

As a mom with a majority of dc who have some learning challenges, I've really had to step back and tell myself OVER and OVER that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I also have to remind myself not to compare my dyslexic children to my dd who reads with ease... I mean, we shouldn't compare... All dc are unique in their gifts and struggles, but that particular comparison is very stark for me because it's in my face on a daily basis.

Burn-out creeps in bad when...
1) I feel like I'm spinning my wheels as fast as I can.
2) I don't feel like I'm gaining traction forward - only falling further behind daily.
3) I see other kids from great families who ps doing better than my dc.
4) I have important people in my life encouraging me to ps.
5) I ponder all the advantages my kids are missing out on by being hsed. (Somehow in these moments I forget all the advantages of hsing, lol.)
It's then that I feel like, "What's the use! Why am I doing this?" It's so important to know the WHY of why we're homeschooling!

Ladies, while these are real and valuable experiences that are being shared, we sound like a taped recording of every homeschool conference speaker, author, and blogger we've ever read, don't we? Aren't we spitting out the phrases and buzz words of our own little culture we've created that are meant to encourage and spur us on to greatness only to leave us feeling more confused and distracted as we bounce from one striving to the next?

More planning, trash the planning.

 More time with friends, more time alone.

Just do it, just stop doing it.

More structure, more fun.

It's a game of us reaching for any and every solution when, really, we haven't clearly identified the problem we are facing. What IS burn-out? How do we define it?

A simple dictionary search will give us this:

— vb 1. to become or cause to become worn out or inoperative as a result of heat or friction: the clutch burnt out 2. ( intr ) (of a rocket, jet engine, etc) to cease functioning as a result of exhaustion of the fuel supply 3. ( tr; usually passive ) to destroy by fire 4. to become or cause to become exhausted through overwork or dissipation — n 5. the failure of a mechanical device from excessive heating 6. a total loss of energy and interest and an inability to function effectively, experienced as a result of excessive demands upon one's resources or chronic overwork

Also, burn oneself out . Make or become exhausted or disaffected, especially with one's work or schooling. For example, Many young lawyers burn themselves out after a few years of 70-hour weeks . This metaphoric term alludes to a fire going out for lack of new fuel. Robert Southey used it in an 1816 essay: "The spirit of Jacobinism was burnt out in France." [1970s] - dictionary.com

Notice this word is a metaphoric term. It derives from the science of rocketry. And, just like rockets need fuel to burn, so we need fuel to propel us each day. When a rocket exhausts it's fuel, it suffers a burn-out. When a mechanical device fails to work after being exposed to excessive heat, it burns out. You know where I'm going with this, right? We've got two things happening here in our lives as we think of this idea of burn-out. We are exhausting our fuel supply and/or we are working under such heated conditions, we simply fail to function.

So, which is it? I contend that it's both. I see, from my own life, that when my fuel supply reaches its end, instead of doing what I should to refuel (or doing what I should have done to keep my fuel supply steady in the first place), I begin to spin my wheels faster with the tiniest bit of fuel that is left in the hopes that this last-ditch sprinting will somehow hurl me past the finish line. Thing is, that finish line is way further out than I ever remember.

What I am learning is that burn-out is directly linked to my fuel supply.

What am I fueled by on this homeschooling journey? For that matter, what fuels me for motherhood at all? That's the most crucial question. I can list many different way to help me FEEL better when I am out of fuel. I can think of ways to recharge my battery, so to speak. But, without the proper fuel, I will fail to function the way God has designed.

What is my fuel and how do I burn it up so easily? Well, as rocket fuel is to rockets, so the word of God is to my soul. It is through His word and the prayer and communion with Him in it that I am nourished each day for the life He has chosen for me.

Did you notice in the dictionary definition the term burn one's self out? More often than not, we are doing this to ourselves.

A quote from author, Elizabeth Foss, "Sometimes homeschooling mothers give and give and give and then they crash and burn. They look up and say, 'I'm serving, I'm giving, I'm loving...I'm utterly depleted.' Why? Because we are not called to love from the depths of our being. We are called to love as He loved. We fill ourselves with Him, first, and then that love overflows. We know that He is God and that He loves us, infinitely."

He is our fuel. He is that which we are to be pouring out into the lives of those around us.

What is the goal of our parenting? Is it perfection? Is it successful children? Martha Peace and Stuart Scott in their book, The Faithful Parent challenge us, "The goal for the Christian parent is to be faithful to God's word by his grace and for his glory. You see, in Christ we have the great hope that we can be faithful whether our children are faithful or not."

Isn't homeschooling simply a component of parenting? And, as the quote above is pointing out, isn't parenting, then, simply a component of our sanctification and service to our Lord? We are in a season of serving by educating these young people in our lives. This is how we uniquely live out our faith before Him today. Tomorrow, He will have another call upon our lives. Yet, the fuel for this life remains the same. And, if we burn out of that fuel, the result is the same. Exhaustion. Failure to funtion. Burn-out.

So, how do we avoid it? How do we keep from burning up that precious fuel we need to sustain these intense efforts of our daily lives? First, we see it, as we have just done. Next, confess our failings. Are there ways I have created burn out in my life?

Here's another thought from Elizabeth Foss,

"So, is it a sin to snap at your children all day long? How about only half the day long? Is it a sin to be unavailable to your husband? Is it a sin to find yourself, at the end of the day, surrounded by mountains of laundry and the remnants of an scarcely nutritious meal? Is it a sin to go about your daily round feeling as if you are always on the brink of tears, scarcely ever sharing a smile or an encouraging word? Well, yes, it is. None of those things are God's will for your family. And whatever circumstances of your life are causing you to behave that way need to be pruned. You're burned out and that is sad, scary, place to be. But you don't have to stay there. And God doesn't want you to be there."
I would add the question, is there something I have placed in my life that is robbing me of the time and place I need to replenish my fuel supply on a regular basis? That needs pruning too.

From there, repent and seek His counsel on how to move forward. As you look for solutions to the burn-out, remember that the primary goal is to be faithful to God and his word. That is our fuel, so our solutions to our burn-out needs to be that which allows us to feed on his truths, so that we would then have it to pour out to our families.

This will give you confidence as you go back over that list of 101 Grand Ways to Beat Burn-Out.

Will going out for coffee with my other homeschooling buddies *really* nourish my soul and help me feed on the Lord so that I am ready to flow His goodness upon my family the next day? Maybe. For some, that form of fellowship is a necessary component of a healthy walk with God. For others, or in some seasons, it's something we enjoy, but distracts us from a more primary source of feeding such as time alone in prayer and the word.

Rising earlier can be a wonderful way for some to truly connect with the Lord and find His truths for the day. But, for the mother of a newborn babe, those early morning hours may be all she has to sustain her physical body for the work ahead.

Seasons, temperments, family life, they all play a part in making some solutions relative and subjective. What doesn't change, however, is the need for TIME and PLACE to feed on the Lord.

This year, in our family, I discovered the idea of Sabbath Schooling. Our schedule is now set up for 6 weeks of formal schooling and a seventh week of rest. Where the new challenge now comes to me in this is making that week of rest truly nourishing to my soul. When I rest IN THE LORD, I will then go into the next session of schooling with my family refreshed and refueled so that I can share with them from the bounty I am receiving. Now, of course I can't do this only every 7 weeks. I'd shrivel up like a raisin, for sure. I'm a season where I need daily (sometimes hourly) refueling. But, when I purpose a break, I need to purpose that it feed me, not drain me. A break before the day begins, a break at the day's end, a day of rest at the end or beginning of each week, and a week of rest after a block of schooling, it all needs to have the purpose of feeding me on REAL food. That's where the conviction sets in while the Lord does his work. Will this book I sit to read, this movie I watch, this mindless hour on facebook, this phone call I make, will these fuel me for the work ahead? Hard questions and hard choices.

One final thought on burn-out set forth by Elizabeth Foss. As you are making choices to deal with what needs to go and what needs to stay so that you are being fed and fueled, be cautious of being duped. Those people that seem to stress us the most aren't always the real source of our struggle.

"As contrary as it seems at first, the trick to avoiding burnout-- for me-- is more time with my children. It's important that the time isn't all frantic, rushed time. It needs to be focused time, time spent without the distractions of adult conversations and responsibilities. Children are rarely the cause of my burnout; working them in around the adults in my life is the cause of my burnout.

And so, the "cure" or the prevention is to spend time with them, unencumbered by the demands of grownups. I cannot be tethered to the telephone or the computer. I need to look them in the eye when they are talking to me and I need to listen with my full attention. And when I do, I find my soul is readily healed by children."

This statement, "our soul is readily healed by the children," is true in the light that the daily discipleship we are called to undertake with our children is the work the Lord has given us to do. When we are lost in His work, our souls are nourished, fed, fueled, and healed from the burdens we have encumbered upon ourselves.

Some closing thoughts from a fellow mother in the trenches:

Burnout really is indicative that a change needs to happen, isn't it? Whether it's a change in perspective, a change in routine, a change in discipline tactics, etc....

Oooh! And if burnout is indicative of a necessary change, then a PLANNED change could very well be an effective preventative against burnout!

Allow the change to be that which causes you to thrive in your faithfulness to the Lord. Let this homeschooling and mothering journey be all that the Lord intends for it to be. The tool He has chosen for loving, refining, and drawing you closer to Him.

　

*Quotes from Elizabeth Foss taken from her blog, In the Heart of My Home, at elizabethfoss.com