Christian Nice Girl

I read an article recently that use the term, "Christian Nice Girl" or "CNG".  Of course, a catchy phrase like that catches my attention. Isn't that what we strive for, to represent Christ in a nice way? Yet, the phrase reeks of negativity and sarcasm as soon as you see it. What in the world could be wrong with being "nice"?

The premise of the author, Peter Coughlin, was that some women hide behind the label "nice" when in reality they are avoiding conflict.  Mr. Coughlin pointed out that many of us will allow people in our lives to sin against us while we say nothing, smile and hold in our hurt feelings all under the belief that we are being "nice" or loving to play the Perpetual Doormat.

I appreciated the provoking viewpoint Mr. Coughin presented in his article. I do struggle often with thoughts that I allow others to take advantage of me, not expressing my real thoughts and feelings. Generally, I do this believing that I am extending grace and forgiveness to others, yet real forgiveness keeps no record of wrongs. I am not forgiving if I repeat the matter to another, pointing out how poorly I've been treated. So, yes, I am guilty of using "nice" to spare myself of conflict and vulnerability.

However, this article, in my opinion, did not fully examine the Lord's teaching on this matter. While the author did give reference to the thought that we need to speak the truth in love, stating that even Jesus confronted those in their sin, he does not spend adequate time discussing Christ's commands we are given to love beyond ourselves and our hurts.  The scriptures are clear that we are called to love one another without regard to our feelings, injuries, or self-preservation. And, yes, while the Lord was firm (even harsh) with the Pharisees and their offensive behavior, He has a whole different plan for how believers are to behave toward one another. Yes, we are commanded to "speak the truth in love". Yes, if I hold my tongue, pretending to be "nice" while really planning a vicious attack in my mind that will never be known (at least not by the person it is directed towards), I am not obeying the Lord's command to truly love that person. I am withholding the truth regarding their sinful actions, thereby disobeying the Lord and keeping us both from growing in the knowledge of Him. However, the examples in this article would lead one to believe that we should speak out our feelings directly, as if this in itself were speaking the Truth. It is clear that the Truth we are to speak is the Truth found in scripture, the Lord's teaching. I am not commanded to blast anyone with the "truth" of my own feelings and thoughts(Ephesians 4 is rich with the Lord's teaching on this)

I am currently reading through 1 Peter. Our family is also giving study to the Love that the Lord has called us to in His word. That Love is a strong contrast to the love the world offers. Today, in my reading, I see the Lord calling me to think carefully on how I would "speak the truth in love".

Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it. For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil. And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good? But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled; But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear: Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ. For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing. For Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit:"

If I am to truly love my brothers and sisters in Christ, then I must be vigilant to guard my tongue from speaking evil.  If I am wronged, I must be cautious to speak out the Lord's truth regarding the sin involved, not my feelings or self-preservation that I seek. It is true that the Lord has called me to be bold in regards to His word and the answers I have regarding the hope I have found in him. It is not true that I, therefore, have a license to indulge my need to be heard, right, or comforted.  I still wrestle through how to overcome my insecurities and fear of rejection, not allowing those things to keep me from pressing forward with words that will ultimately bring restoration, healing, and growth. As I work through this issue, looking for the right balance, I am content to choose silence and prayer in the moment I have been wronged allowing the Lord time to make His truth clear and whether it is my place to proclaim it or not.

The Reports of Spies

A Pregnancy Devotional

by Jennifer Vanderlaan

http://www.birthingnaturally.net/

Numbers 13:26 -14:11

I wonder what happened to the 10 spies who spread a bad report among the people. They had lived through the exodus. They had committed themselves to follow God's laws. They had seen God provide food and water in the dessert. They had lived through such miracles that their lack of faith in God seems unthinkable.


Somehow, they let their fears overtake their faith in God's sovereignty. They saw how large the people were, how numerous the people were, how powerful the people were and they gave up before they ever started. Somehow, they must have thought that these people were too powerful for God, or God wouldn't be with them anymore.


I remember reading a commentary by an archaeologist that explained in these ancient cultures, the belief was that gods had power only in their "part" of the world. So for the Israelites, it would only seem normal that a desert god like theirs would not have power in a lush and fruitful area like "The Promised Land." In effect, they let their understanding of what God can do be based on the cultural norms rather than on what God said.


We do the same thing with childbirth. Instead of understanding that with God's power we will be successful, we are overcome with fear from spies with bad reports. We believe that labor is too difficult. We believe that God is not strong enough to help us. We believe going into labor with God as our protection will get us destroyed.


Whose report do you believe? Whose report do you spread among the people?

This article challenges me in more than just our upcoming labor and birth. I confess that everything that awaits us in the coming months has been a source of fear and believing the "bad reports" in my mind. From the final weeks of pregnancy, to birth to the first weeks of life with a newborn, it all threatens to overwhelm me at times. I need to refocus my mind and heart moment by moment as I ask myself these questions.

The Hospitality of Home Church: a Book Review

The Hospitality of Home Church: A Woman's Perspective

by Shelley Howland

What a fantastic find I have in this little book. While the purpose of the author is to give practical advice to women on the details of hosting a home church meeting, I found that her insights and biblical truths shared pertain to all aspects of hospitality as well as preparing our hearts for the Lord's day, regardless of the location we choose to celebrate.

The title of this book, alone, was like a magnet to me. In effect, it said..."Hey! You have a unique purpose in this calling. You, as a woman and helper to your husband are vital to this ministry the Lord is setting before you."  Speaking to this, Mrs. Howland writes;

     "A man who decides to home church will tell his wife that church will be in their home every other week. 30 or more people may attend, they are going to break unleavened bread, eat a full meal together and worship. Now see, I think that's funny. Men, you're not getting it are you?
     You see, a group of 20 or 30 people coming for dinner would normally be considered a large gathering or event. But when you home church this is potentially a regular occurance. When a husband tells this to his wife, she immediately begins to think about the details, it is just natural. We were designed as helpmeets and that is where our minds begin to go." (p.6-7)

In this book you will find practical helps that equip you to take on this privilege of hosting a home fellowship meeting with confidence. Such details as: Preparing for Sunday, Get the Family Involved, House Rules, The Meal, Seating, Pets, Children, Clean Up and How to Be a Guest.  You'll also uncover deeper subjects such as: Spiritual Preparation, Regarding Romans 14, Women's Silence and Headcovering.  Each of these chapters is graced with Mrs. Howland's experience, humor and wisdom.  It is a quick read, but one that you'll want to return to again and again.

Allow me to share with you one of my favorite insights I gleand from this book. It regards the concept of hospitality in general and how the practice of it reflects the heart. She writes,
    
    "Let's take a look at the difference between hospitality and entertaining. Webster's says that hospitality is a 'generous and cordial reception of guests,' to offer a 'pleasant environment.'  Entertaining, on the other hand, is a 'public performance,' 'something diverting or engaging'. One is me focused, my cooking abilities, my hostessing skills and such, the other is you focused, 'how can I serve you?' 'How can I make your visit in my home the best it can be for you?'  I believe the Lord wants us focused on the needs of others. That's hospitality." (p. 14)

Here is one last nugget of wisdom I'd like to share. I've taken this on as a new challenge in our lives. This week I am working on rearranging our weekly routine to refocus our attention on preparing for Sunday.  I am excited to make our Sunday meeting time such a prominent and special day in our lives that we cannot help but turn our hearts to it every other day of the week.  Mrs. Howland explains this idea with a great visual description.
    
     "There is a book called Making Sunday Special by Karen Mains. The basic concept of this book is to look at your week as sort of a wave, with the high part of the wave being Sunday when your church body gathers. That is the highlight of your week. From Sunday to Wednesday you refelct on Sunday. From Wednesday to Sunday you prepare for Sunday. How often are we rushing around on Sunday doing things that could have been done Thursday, Friday or Saturday? Write down those things that need to be done and space them out from Wednesday to Sunday. I believe we need to practice 'making Sunday special'..." (p.16)

I am grateful to have this little gem in my hands now. Along with giving me useful advice regarding the how-to's of hosting a larger group in our home, I am challenged to consider my heart and motivation in these preparations.  It is truly a gift to understand that all we set our hands to accomplish should and can give glory to the Lord. Our Sunday preparations are a new tool the Lord has given us to grow me in this area. An added benefit is seeing our children join in the preparations and begin to understand that our Sunday morning experience effects every other day and moment of our lives. That is an invaluable truth that I pray they cling to for their whole life.

UPDATE: I received a lovely email from the author. She's given her link to purchase this book: http://www.abundantblessings.ecrater.com/  You'll find the book listed under "House Church" but do plan to spend some time there looking through her other items for sale. Thank you, Shelley!!

Courtship Stories

In my previous post, I asked for recommendations for resources that share stories of biblical courtship. Since then, I've been given some websites, books and videos to check out. I haven't had a chance to go over these yet, but I wanted to share the resources here.  I know that courtship is definitely unique and it's wonderful to read and see the different ways the Lord has worked to bring families together, all the while staying within His powerful and loving parameters.

daughterhoodbydesign.org  - neat website giving a handbook approach study to the idea of courtship along with other articles relating to young ladies lives. Also a book on courtship is offered in their links.

ylcf.org/courtship-stories/  - Young Ladies Christian Fellowship. A lovely site with many articles of interest for young women. The address I listed is the index to the courtship stories submitted by their readers. I haven't had time to spend there, but I think the entire site is worthy of a Cup of Tea Visit. :)

tobeonevideo.org  - Promising looking video.  It's an "85 minute documentary featuring three couple's journey into marriage."  You can watch a preview of the film at this link.

Titus2.com - story of their son's courtship can be read here.

The Return of the Daughters - another film highlighting the courtship of a young couple.

Here are a few titles that I have read or that have been recommended to me for the purpose of learning more about courtship. 

Before You Meet Prince Charming - lovely book written by a young lady to young ladies. I'm looking forward to sharing this with my twelve year old daughter...in a few years. ;-)

The Three Weavers - Story and study guide written for fathers and daughters to complete together. Along with a great season of biblical study, the culmination is a celebration for the daughter with the father presenting her with a hopechest. My husband plans to work through this book with year with our daughter, timing it so that we celebrate with her on her 13th birthday.

Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot
Best Friends for Life

There are many more. These are just the few that recently came to my attention. Please feel free to leave more suggestions in a comment. Thanks!

Engaging the Heart: A book review

Engaging the Heart: Understanding the Treasure Within

by Gail McWilliams

A book written to parents challenging them with the concept of moving above and beyond the culturally accepted viewpoints regarding dating, courtship and love. From the preface, Gail, a mother of 4 daughters and 1 son, writes, "This is not a self-help book or a procedures manual for love and marriage. It is, instead, a book to challenge us to find a more excellent way that goes beyond our former mindsets and commonly accepted practices. "  (p. xiii)  In regards to this "more excellent way", she challenges parents that, "Our lives must be the ceiling from which the next generation will build - one of excellence. Excellence is never perfection, however. The difference is that perfection determines there is only one right way, but excellence says, 'Sure, there is a better way.' And then, with our children by our side, we begin to search for it." (p. xii, italics mine)

This concept of striving for excellence verses perfection, by the definition she gives, is what drew me into the pages of the book. In the midst of a society laden with resources declaring the "right" way to do most anything, it is refreshing to have someone challenge us to strive for excellence rather than a man-driven perfection.

Amidst the personal stories and experience filling this book, I found a woman reaching out not only to parents with a high call to guard their children's hearts. But I saw a woman burdened for those who have been hurt and scarred by past mistakes, abuses and failures. There is instruction as well as healing in these pages.

As a parent, you will be encouraged by scriptural mandates to protect your child's physical and emotional purity. You will be blessed with practical examples of real families striving to do this in the midst of a perverse culture. Simple, yet profound keepsakes such as teacups and rings as reminders of purity. Spoken words of scriptural blessing, and even a detailed account of the symbolic elements contained in a covenant-style wedding, marriage and life. You will be sharpened in your senses and made better aware of the wolves that lie in sheep's clothing waiting to capture and deceive yourself and your children.  You will be reminded of your duty to guard your heart in your own marriage as well.

While the choices that Gail and her family have made as they've grown their children are different in many ways to the choices my husband and I are making, I am grateful to learn from her experiences and glean from the fruit they have harvested in their children's lives. Knowing that this "lofty" way of thinking can, does, and has worked for other families is such an encouragement to us as we strive to follow biblical thinking rather than worldly reasoning. We can stand strong knowing, as she points out, "Fears of being called 'old fashioned' or 'a prude' are often excuses for saying, 'I don't want to put forth the effort to make it safer for my children.'  Communication and praying together will fuse our hearts to work for each other's success." (p. 26)

Three particular stories or points Gail shared spoke to my heart regarding this new (to us) yet age-old and trusted territory of Courtship. She states, "In some circles, in an effort to make dating seem more honorable, the word courtship has replaced the word dating, but the fruit of it is often the same. Courtship is not being isolated and your parents micro-manage your social calendar. Instead, courtship creates freedom to live your life with a heart that is untangled, a conscience that is clear and a morality that is without compromise. I believe the core issue is guarding the heart." (p. 29, italics mine)  From there, she uses life lessons from their own family experiences to build the image of how this happens.

First, a discussion "overheard" by readers with close family friends. The topic is the phrase and concept of being "asleep in Christ", as it relates to a young woman's life.  "If a young single woman was asleep it did not mean she had to miss out on life and be comatose. Quite to the contrary, it described a season where no special person of interest distracted her as she was broadening her skills, education, interests and just loving life. In this state she could be focused as she waited for the day her prince would arrive for her hand. Though the concept may seem a bit like a fairy tale, the posture is more peaceful than anxiously looking at every male who walks in the door and asking, 'Is he the one?'" (p.30)  What a precious vision for our daughters of a life rich in service, experience and time given to grow their hearts and minds for the glory of God!

Next, in the chapter titled, Secret Garden, she shares the wisdom she and her daughters gleaned from another family raising daughters of great virtue. We are given an analogy of a young woman's life and purity represented by a garden, as described in the book of Song of Solomon. "'The fresh fountains, fruit-bearing plants and sweet fragrances reflect their lives, filled with potential and new buds. The garden will need some attention to develop into its full beauty: watering, weeding, pruning and a watchful eye.'"  (p.31) Gail then asks, "'Where do you see the father in this garden?'" The reply is, "'He stands at the gate of the garden.'" She then describes his role and responsibility as one who "insures the garden is not interrupted by unwelcomed visitors...before it has time to blossom and become ripe.  Ideally, the father is to actively engage with the garden's growth and well-being while securing the safety of his secret garden - the heart of his daughter. 'The gatekeeper will need wisdom.'" (p. 32)

The passage also includes a reference to winds of adversity and winds of pleasurable times. In light of this, the mother explains, "In both seasons, a heart should be focused on the Master Gardener. He is the One who, in time, will bring forth the fruit whose taste will be pleasant to all.'" (p. 32)

We find here a wonderful image of the role parents have in preparing their "gardens" to grow healthy, fruitful and, one day, to be a blessing for all. As I am learning, gardening is a strenuous, sometimes tedious, repetitive task that brings about a harvest of joy just because of the work invested. May our efforts to keep the "gardens" of our daughter's hearts bring an abundant and ever-bearing harvest!

Finally, there is a beautiful description given of the courtship process of their first-married daughter. I cherish this story, as it gives me a practical look into how this really works. In summary, a young man who was friendly with their family, came to the father to share his interest in their daughter. In response, the father arranged private, weekly meetings with this young man. Together they studied the scripture and grew to know and love one another. During this time, the father protected the daughter by keeping these meetings a secret. His desire was to guard her heart and keep her emotions from rising up before the proper time.  In the end, these two young people were discipled, guarded and loved to a place where they could come together in confidence, freedom and assurance of the Lord's blessing on their lives.

What I appreciated more than anything else in this story was the amazing relationship that developed between the father and this young man.  In that, rather than an emphasis on just two people developing a "safe" love relationship, there is a focus on the real future that involves a larger picture. When a man and woman join in marriage, that involves far more than just two hearts. Regardless of the health of the family relationships, there will always be two (or more) families joining together. That involves many hearts. I am so impressed and rejoice in seeing how this father accepted his role to mentor this young man who sought to enter into a love relationship with his entire family. To me, I see the foundation laid for a strong multi-generational blessing for all families involved.  I pray the Lord will continue to give us wisdom as we seek to honor Him in these same ways.

I closed this book with an appetite to learn, grow and find more ways to understand and apply the biblical principles of protecting our children's purity and guarding their tender hearts. I appreciated her example of building strong communication with her daughters as they grew "from the stroller" to marriage and beyond. I took these admonishments for our daughter's lives and flipped them around as a challenge in how we will raise our sons as well. We pray they will grow to be humble, teachable and worthy of guarding the young ladies hearts they encounter as they grow. And, finally, we are compelled to pray even more fervently that the Lord would raise up His truth to others so that our children will find the blessing He has planned for their futures.

A dear friend recommended this book to me, and I am grateful. Not only for the insights I gained, but also to know we can partner together in this worthy task of guarding our children's hearts. I am eager to find more resources that give testimonies and personal stories of courtship and marriage. If you have any you can recommend, please share.