Burn Out

I'm a homeschooling mom. I have eight children. My oldest child is 16 years old. According to *my* definition of home education, I've been at this homeschooling business for, oh...sixteen years now.

For some reason, I was asked to speak on avoiding homeschool burn-out. I've decided it was because the Lord had some things for me to learn in this because I certainly have struggled this whole month to have anything clever to share. Let's just all agree from this point on that I don't have this all figured out and anything we get out of this is completely by the grace of a great, mighty, and gracious God that we are privileged to know and serve.

The term "burn-out" is catchy. I hear it a lot in different circles and especially among homeschooling families. When someone uses the term they often conjur up funny images of mothers with hair gone wild, books scattered about, babies screaming, children running amuck, and pot of something boiling over. There is a look of desperation in her eyes as she has that "he better be home in five minutes or I go into full-blown melt-down" aroma steaming from her ears, right?

Thing is, we can giggle at the images posted on a newsfeed but the reality of burn-out isn't funny. When you're that mom gasping for air you need a lot more than a joke to pull you from the fray. But, what is it you need? How did you get here in the first place? Why didn't you see this coming? What is the cause of this and how do I make it stop? Those are the questions that are so heavy you can barely lift your head to ask them.

If I ask this group of ladies what they do to avoid burn-out, I'd get a list of helpful and similar asnwers. I've asked groups of ladies similar to this one. Here are some things they suggested:

1. Staying connected in the homeschool community on a regular basis. That might look like a weekly park playdate for some groups, a homeschool mom's support group, a book club that is reading a homeschool-relevant book (Sally Clarkson type books or perhaps a Charlotte Mason study group), etc.

2. Finding a curriculum that WORKS for your family.

3. Take your home under control. The added stress of a chaotic household, dissheveled surroundings, lost items, too much clutter and junk only serve to add an extra burden to what is already an intensive job! If you need help getting it under control, seek out help! Even professional help. Homeschool moms need their homes to work for them and not against them. If your professional office looked like your home, would you be able to function at your highest level? As a homeschool mom, your home IS your office!

4. Do not be afraid to say "no". There are many good things and opportunities out there, but keep discernment to what the BEST and most beneficial things are. We do want to keep our kids connected, but be sure you aren't in overkill mode. Homeschool families and especially large homeschool families have different benefits, different challenges, and different needs than your average "one boy, one girl, public school" American family does. You can't compare yourself against other families who seem to have it all nailed down, especially when they do not have the same logistics as your family does.

Quality friends .. I avoid burn out with good friends to pray for me and encourage me along the way.

Four day school weeks. Having a day off a week helps me plow through and know the house will be caught up on the fifth day. It also leaves room for feild trips and coop.

Breaks, especially a long Christmas one. Makes it seem like a new year come January.

Workbinders. I keep all the weeks worth of worksheets and handouts in a workbinder for each kid and I have one with teachers grids for each kid and our logs. It helps to have a visual of what needs to be accomplished.

A trash can, sometimes u just need to scrap something on the plan.

A good plan.. I like to be prepared as much in advance as possible. Keeps me from planning burn out.

Always keep the Big picture in mind. When you are in seasons of your life that are very demanding and you need to peg back a little keep the BIG picture in mind of what you are doing in the Lord's strength- this keeps you on track and keeps perspective.

Do a little each day- on days that you are feeling low and drained even just doing a little work with the dc keeps you on track and prevents the guilty feelings, " Oh, I have not done any 'school' today"

Committ every year and every day to the Lord. Remember He is our Master- not the curriculum, not the dc, not the Home school groups etc but the Lord.We are to serve Him first.

For ME, just scrapping the schedule some days and watching a movie together or just playing or whatever REALLY helps me...IF I give myself permission to not stress that we are "getting behind"....

Getting together with homeschooling moms is REALLY helpful to me, but I don't get to much.
I think the number one thing that helps me when I'm feeling burnt out is to cut myself some slack and take a day off! Don't be so legalistic to my school schedule that if makes me feel confined.

Burn-out for me is when the schedule is so tight, that I can only do urgent basics (barely), and I have no time to catch-up on very essential but non-urgent activities (like time with God, time with dh, etc.). And it's especially hard when I'm doing this on consistently not-enough sleep! It seems that each morning loses it's joy, because it's just waking up to a mad rush again, only to in the end get further behind than when the day began.

To avoid burn-out, I have to re-evaluate priorities and my motives for things in our schedule. I'm and sooooo glad that God is gracious, merciful, and wanting to lead us personally!! I need his direction and help!! And my dh is helpful in helping me know what needs to stay in the schedule and what can go.

I find the more my attitude is that I need a break from my dc, the more I burn out and dislike my "job." Also building my relationship with God.

As a mom with a majority of dc who have some learning challenges, I've really had to step back and tell myself OVER and OVER that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I also have to remind myself not to compare my dyslexic children to my dd who reads with ease... I mean, we shouldn't compare... All dc are unique in their gifts and struggles, but that particular comparison is very stark for me because it's in my face on a daily basis.

Burn-out creeps in bad when...
1) I feel like I'm spinning my wheels as fast as I can.
2) I don't feel like I'm gaining traction forward - only falling further behind daily.
3) I see other kids from great families who ps doing better than my dc.
4) I have important people in my life encouraging me to ps.
5) I ponder all the advantages my kids are missing out on by being hsed. (Somehow in these moments I forget all the advantages of hsing, lol.)
It's then that I feel like, "What's the use! Why am I doing this?" It's so important to know the WHY of why we're homeschooling!

Ladies, while these are real and valuable experiences that are being shared, we sound like a taped recording of every homeschool conference speaker, author, and blogger we've ever read, don't we? Aren't we spitting out the phrases and buzz words of our own little culture we've created that are meant to encourage and spur us on to greatness only to leave us feeling more confused and distracted as we bounce from one striving to the next?

More planning, trash the planning.

 More time with friends, more time alone.

Just do it, just stop doing it.

More structure, more fun.

It's a game of us reaching for any and every solution when, really, we haven't clearly identified the problem we are facing. What IS burn-out? How do we define it?

A simple dictionary search will give us this:

— vb 1. to become or cause to become worn out or inoperative as a result of heat or friction: the clutch burnt out 2. ( intr ) (of a rocket, jet engine, etc) to cease functioning as a result of exhaustion of the fuel supply 3. ( tr; usually passive ) to destroy by fire 4. to become or cause to become exhausted through overwork or dissipation — n 5. the failure of a mechanical device from excessive heating 6. a total loss of energy and interest and an inability to function effectively, experienced as a result of excessive demands upon one's resources or chronic overwork

Also, burn oneself out . Make or become exhausted or disaffected, especially with one's work or schooling. For example, Many young lawyers burn themselves out after a few years of 70-hour weeks . This metaphoric term alludes to a fire going out for lack of new fuel. Robert Southey used it in an 1816 essay: "The spirit of Jacobinism was burnt out in France." [1970s] - dictionary.com

Notice this word is a metaphoric term. It derives from the science of rocketry. And, just like rockets need fuel to burn, so we need fuel to propel us each day. When a rocket exhausts it's fuel, it suffers a burn-out. When a mechanical device fails to work after being exposed to excessive heat, it burns out. You know where I'm going with this, right? We've got two things happening here in our lives as we think of this idea of burn-out. We are exhausting our fuel supply and/or we are working under such heated conditions, we simply fail to function.

So, which is it? I contend that it's both. I see, from my own life, that when my fuel supply reaches its end, instead of doing what I should to refuel (or doing what I should have done to keep my fuel supply steady in the first place), I begin to spin my wheels faster with the tiniest bit of fuel that is left in the hopes that this last-ditch sprinting will somehow hurl me past the finish line. Thing is, that finish line is way further out than I ever remember.

What I am learning is that burn-out is directly linked to my fuel supply.

What am I fueled by on this homeschooling journey? For that matter, what fuels me for motherhood at all? That's the most crucial question. I can list many different way to help me FEEL better when I am out of fuel. I can think of ways to recharge my battery, so to speak. But, without the proper fuel, I will fail to function the way God has designed.

What is my fuel and how do I burn it up so easily? Well, as rocket fuel is to rockets, so the word of God is to my soul. It is through His word and the prayer and communion with Him in it that I am nourished each day for the life He has chosen for me.

Did you notice in the dictionary definition the term burn one's self out? More often than not, we are doing this to ourselves.

A quote from author, Elizabeth Foss, "Sometimes homeschooling mothers give and give and give and then they crash and burn. They look up and say, 'I'm serving, I'm giving, I'm loving...I'm utterly depleted.' Why? Because we are not called to love from the depths of our being. We are called to love as He loved. We fill ourselves with Him, first, and then that love overflows. We know that He is God and that He loves us, infinitely."

He is our fuel. He is that which we are to be pouring out into the lives of those around us.

What is the goal of our parenting? Is it perfection? Is it successful children? Martha Peace and Stuart Scott in their book, The Faithful Parent challenge us, "The goal for the Christian parent is to be faithful to God's word by his grace and for his glory. You see, in Christ we have the great hope that we can be faithful whether our children are faithful or not."

Isn't homeschooling simply a component of parenting? And, as the quote above is pointing out, isn't parenting, then, simply a component of our sanctification and service to our Lord? We are in a season of serving by educating these young people in our lives. This is how we uniquely live out our faith before Him today. Tomorrow, He will have another call upon our lives. Yet, the fuel for this life remains the same. And, if we burn out of that fuel, the result is the same. Exhaustion. Failure to funtion. Burn-out.

So, how do we avoid it? How do we keep from burning up that precious fuel we need to sustain these intense efforts of our daily lives? First, we see it, as we have just done. Next, confess our failings. Are there ways I have created burn out in my life?

Here's another thought from Elizabeth Foss,

"So, is it a sin to snap at your children all day long? How about only half the day long? Is it a sin to be unavailable to your husband? Is it a sin to find yourself, at the end of the day, surrounded by mountains of laundry and the remnants of an scarcely nutritious meal? Is it a sin to go about your daily round feeling as if you are always on the brink of tears, scarcely ever sharing a smile or an encouraging word? Well, yes, it is. None of those things are God's will for your family. And whatever circumstances of your life are causing you to behave that way need to be pruned. You're burned out and that is sad, scary, place to be. But you don't have to stay there. And God doesn't want you to be there."
I would add the question, is there something I have placed in my life that is robbing me of the time and place I need to replenish my fuel supply on a regular basis? That needs pruning too.

From there, repent and seek His counsel on how to move forward. As you look for solutions to the burn-out, remember that the primary goal is to be faithful to God and his word. That is our fuel, so our solutions to our burn-out needs to be that which allows us to feed on his truths, so that we would then have it to pour out to our families.

This will give you confidence as you go back over that list of 101 Grand Ways to Beat Burn-Out.

Will going out for coffee with my other homeschooling buddies *really* nourish my soul and help me feed on the Lord so that I am ready to flow His goodness upon my family the next day? Maybe. For some, that form of fellowship is a necessary component of a healthy walk with God. For others, or in some seasons, it's something we enjoy, but distracts us from a more primary source of feeding such as time alone in prayer and the word.

Rising earlier can be a wonderful way for some to truly connect with the Lord and find His truths for the day. But, for the mother of a newborn babe, those early morning hours may be all she has to sustain her physical body for the work ahead.

Seasons, temperments, family life, they all play a part in making some solutions relative and subjective. What doesn't change, however, is the need for TIME and PLACE to feed on the Lord.

This year, in our family, I discovered the idea of Sabbath Schooling. Our schedule is now set up for 6 weeks of formal schooling and a seventh week of rest. Where the new challenge now comes to me in this is making that week of rest truly nourishing to my soul. When I rest IN THE LORD, I will then go into the next session of schooling with my family refreshed and refueled so that I can share with them from the bounty I am receiving. Now, of course I can't do this only every 7 weeks. I'd shrivel up like a raisin, for sure. I'm a season where I need daily (sometimes hourly) refueling. But, when I purpose a break, I need to purpose that it feed me, not drain me. A break before the day begins, a break at the day's end, a day of rest at the end or beginning of each week, and a week of rest after a block of schooling, it all needs to have the purpose of feeding me on REAL food. That's where the conviction sets in while the Lord does his work. Will this book I sit to read, this movie I watch, this mindless hour on facebook, this phone call I make, will these fuel me for the work ahead? Hard questions and hard choices.

One final thought on burn-out set forth by Elizabeth Foss. As you are making choices to deal with what needs to go and what needs to stay so that you are being fed and fueled, be cautious of being duped. Those people that seem to stress us the most aren't always the real source of our struggle.

"As contrary as it seems at first, the trick to avoiding burnout-- for me-- is more time with my children. It's important that the time isn't all frantic, rushed time. It needs to be focused time, time spent without the distractions of adult conversations and responsibilities. Children are rarely the cause of my burnout; working them in around the adults in my life is the cause of my burnout.

And so, the "cure" or the prevention is to spend time with them, unencumbered by the demands of grownups. I cannot be tethered to the telephone or the computer. I need to look them in the eye when they are talking to me and I need to listen with my full attention. And when I do, I find my soul is readily healed by children."

This statement, "our soul is readily healed by the children," is true in the light that the daily discipleship we are called to undertake with our children is the work the Lord has given us to do. When we are lost in His work, our souls are nourished, fed, fueled, and healed from the burdens we have encumbered upon ourselves.

Some closing thoughts from a fellow mother in the trenches:

Burnout really is indicative that a change needs to happen, isn't it? Whether it's a change in perspective, a change in routine, a change in discipline tactics, etc....

Oooh! And if burnout is indicative of a necessary change, then a PLANNED change could very well be an effective preventative against burnout!

Allow the change to be that which causes you to thrive in your faithfulness to the Lord. Let this homeschooling and mothering journey be all that the Lord intends for it to be. The tool He has chosen for loving, refining, and drawing you closer to Him.

　

*Quotes from Elizabeth Foss taken from her blog, In the Heart of My Home, at elizabethfoss.com

Living a Parallel Life

Mom’s Voice in the Wilderness

Hearts for Home

September 18, 2012

Read Matthew 3:1-12

John the Baptist and the homeschooling mom: Parallel Lives ;-)

John’s Occupation
>Preacher & Preparer v. 1
Mom’s Occupation
>Preacher & Preparer
2 Timothy 4:2-5 "I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, 4 and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."

John’s Location
>The wilderness v. 3
Mom’s Location
>Socially, culturally, financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically isolated

John’s Attention to Self
>animal skins, locusts, wild food v.4
Mom’s Attention to Self
>varies, but often overlooked

John’s Audience
>Disciples God sent, pharisees, saducees
Mom’s Audience
>Disciples God has sent, onlookers, those sitting in judgement

John’s Message/Mom’s Message
>Repent! The Kingdom is at hand v. 2
>Repent! Bear fruit v. 8, 10
>Repent! You cannot rely on your heritage v. 9
>Repent! I am preparing you for work of Jesus in your life v. 11
>Repent! Christ will sift us to find His own v. 12

Journal entry:
John was working with his disciples-drawing them to repentance and, then, to a life lived out that showed that repentance. He cautioned them that they cannot say they are relying on their lineage for their security of salvation. He revealed that his efforts to bring them to repentance was only preparing them for Christ and His mighty work in their lives. He warned them that God is at work to gather and clear out His threshing floor.

Here am I. I am called to be as John the Baptist in my children’s lives. My role is to guide them to a life of repentance by helping them to recognize their own sin and the consequences of it. I am to lead them to repentance and the fruit that results. As I lead them in this, I am joining the Lord in His work to prepare them for the great work He will do within them. They cannot rely upon my faith or their father’s. They will be sifted as we have been. Lord, let them be found in You!

God’s Word: The Method of our Message of Repentance
(taken from Teach Them Diligently by Lou Priolo)

“Conviction flows out of teaching (the scriptures) because teaching (the scriptures) makes people aware of what God requires.” p. 27

“There are times when conviction and teaching go hand in hand. So we must not think of them as mutually exclusive. In order to produce conviction, one may have to teach new material or reteach in new ways what the child has heard but has not yet converted from theory to practice. The parent may need to further clarify biblical truth and how it applies to the particulars of his child’s situation. The Bible requires the parent to learn skills in order to bring about conviction.” p. 27

“Bringing conviction, therefore, is a part of the responsibility of the ministry of the Word. Since, as we have seen, one of the most important tasks as parents is to minister the Word to your children, using the Scriptures to bring about conviction in their hearts is a part of your responsibility. You must learn how to effectively use the Word to appeal to the conciences of your little lawbreakers. “ p. 30

“No process of change [or philosophy of parenting] that ignores a child’s relationship to God can succeed nomatter what gimmicks are used to get what the child wants. When a parent attempts to change a child’s behavior without first seeking change in his relationship with God, the result is merely outward, pharisaical behavior, just as displeasing to God as the original selfish behavior.” p. 31

*Note: Ultimately, it is God (not man) who is sovereign over the conviction process. We are dependent up on God the Spirit to use the Word and any other means He chooses to convict us (or others) of anything. p. 31

Let us then KNOW our message that we are called and commanded to preach. Let us pray for one another as well as spur one another on in His word so that we may be found faithful servants of the Lord Jesus in this coming year and for eternity. God has so chosen to place us in each others lives for such a time as this. May we learn together, pray together, weep together, rejoice together, and love together lives of such victory that the generations to follow will have strong and clear footsteps to follow.

Truth for Lies Part 5

Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe

 Chapter 3 pt. 2 and Chapter 4

By Todd Wilson

Find a Real Partner

But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called, “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. Hebrews 3:13

...and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more, as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

“Every homeschooling mom needs to have a like-minded friend to help protect her against the lies of the enemy. By like-minded, I mean someone who homeschools for the same reasons.” p. 66
“If you don’t have a like-minded friend, then non like-minded relationships will reinforce the lies that you tend to believe. You will always be questioning your goals and methods.
“...if you have a friendship with a homeschooling mom who homeschools for the same reasons you do, you’ll be able to be with other non like-minded friends and stand tall.” pg. 67
“Once you have a like-minded friend make it your priority to be an encourager.” p. 69
“Your homeschooling friend is staring down 180 days of daily exhaustion, surrounded by pint-sized humans who need to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes, ask for a snack three times an hour, can’t remember what they learned the day before, and then throw-up in the middle of the floor.

Lies creep in and the enemy will win EXCEPT...

“Standing on the sidelines is a friend who through a note, a phone call, or over egg salad sandwiches reminds her desperate homeschooling friend, ‘YOU CAN DO IT!! Don’t believe the lies...YOU CAN DO IT!!!” p. 70

Questions to Discuss with Real Partner at first meeting:
1. Share why you started homeschooling.
2. Describe your method of homeschooling. (i.e., textbook, Charlotte Mason, unschooling, etc.)
3. What are some of your goals in homeschooling?
4. What has been your biggest joy and struggle in homeschooling?
5. Share the area in which it’s most difficult for you to be REAL (you don’t have to share all the dirt in this area on your first meeting).
6. How do you and your children get along?
7. What is your husband’s involvement with homeschooling?
8. What is the hardest part of a typical day of homeschooling for you?
9. What area would you like the most accountability?
10. Share one or two specific prayer requests that would help your homeschool and home) go smoother this week.

Chapter 4 Believe the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

“The great thing about TRUTH is that it’s always TRUE. It doesn’t change over time, smear when it gets wet, or stretch when it’s pulled. It’s constant, unchanging, inflexible, and ageless.
You can boldly state, ‘If it’s true, then it’s true no matter how the circumstances change or fluctuate.’ The TRUTH serves as an anchor when homeschooling storms assault you.” p. 77
TRUTH # 1 You Are Not Alone
“...we have a whole population of godly wives and homeschooling moms who smile and laugh on the outside, but inside they’re walking around under the heavy burden of loneliness and isolation caused by a cunningly told lie.
“...say it to yourself right now...I am not alone. All the feelings of inadequacy, isolation, and failure I feel, other moms feel as well. They may hide it, but there are days when they feel like tossing in the towel, loading up their kids on the school bus, and joining the circus just like I do.” p. 79
See Romans 7: 15-25

TRUTH #2 God Gave Your Children Exactly the Mother They Needed

“If God wanted someone better than you to be your children’s mother, He would have done that. If you want someone smarter to teach your children, you can find someone. There is always someone smarter than you. BUT if you want someone better to teach your children, you will find no one.” p. 81
“One sure-fire way to fan the flames of the lie that says, ‘You’re not doing a good job,’ is to compare your weaknesses to another mom’s strengths. You set yourself up for a world of disappointment. Instead, be confident that God knew what He was doing when he made you and that your weaknesses and strengths are exactly the ones He wanted you to have.

Psalm 139:13-18; 2 Cor. 12:9-10

TRUTH #3 Your Children Will Become Exactly What God Created Them To Be.

“The seed of the man is in the child.” Marcia Washburn

“Think of your children as seeds. They will grow up and mature to be exactly what God wants them to be. If your son was created to be an engineer, he will become and engineer. If your daughter was created to be an organizer, she will grow up to be that.
“Your children will become exactly what God has created them to be, NOT because of your efforts, but IN SPITE of your efforts.
“This truth is so important to get because although you may be frustrating yourself...you’re probably also frustrating your see. Your seed may not verbalize this, but inside they begin to think, ‘Mom would like me better if I was more like a sunflower.” p. 88-89
“You are not responsible to make your child something they are not. You are only responsible to give them the tools to do what they were created to do, sharpening where you can, loving them unconditionally, and leaving a godly (REAL) example for them to follow.” p. 90

(see Psalm 78 for a great study on the role and affect of parents upon later generations)

Prayer:
“Dear God,
Please help me to love my children today...not for what they might become tomorrow or in the future. Help me to like them even if they never master a certain skill that I want them to master. Let me love them unconditionally, never withholding my love or approval from them based on their performance. Let me see the good in them and make me blind to their shortcomings. Forgive me because I know that I have been forgiven so much and yet I hold my children’s failures against them. Amen. “ p. 91


TRUTH #4 You Can’t Do It All

“Don’t set unrealistic expectations for your, your children, and those around you. Since you can’t realistically do it all, you need to determine what you can do and then be secure in that.
“Sit down with your husband to determine what’s important and what isn’t. Work on the important stuff and let the unimportant get squeezed out.”

Make lists of Essentials and Non-Essentials (see p. 96-97)

“I am NOT saying that...non-essentials are bad or that you shouldn’t include them in your home. I am saying that in a world of limited time, you have to pick and choose what you can and cannot do.” p. 98

*Different seasons produce different needs and priorities.

TRUTH #5 Those Perfect Homeschooling Families Are Not Real

“Believing the lie that their family is perfect or better than yours will cause you to go bonkers. It will rot your heart from the inside out and cause you to do things that will damage your relationship with your husband and your children.” p. 106

Gal. 5:5-7

TRUTH #6 You’re Doing a Great Job!
Read p. 106
1 Cor 9:23-27

Part 5: Outside Influences
List on p. 111
“Whatever it is that reinforces the lies, cut it out. Take no prisoners. No mercy. You can do it. And when you do, you will re-experience the joy of homeschooling and of being a mom and a wife. That’s what lie-busting truth leaves in its wake -- joy, freedom, and happiness.” p.113

Assignment this month:
1. Meet with your husband to discuss any issues the Lord has been working on in your heart during this study. Ask him for insights on how you can be more Real and in what ways you need to allow Truth to guide you.

2. Find a Real Partner by next month’s meeting. Try to meet /talk at least once (use the list provided in the notes if it’s helpful).

3. Begin praying for yourself, your children, your home, and your Real partner on a daily basis.

Prayer Requests:

Truth For Lies Chapter 3 Part 1

Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe by Todd Wilson

Chapter 3 - Part 1

February 3, 2012

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” James 5:16

How do we rightly deal with the lies we believe?

“I hesitate to use the words ‘things you can do...’ because none of the ideas we are going to talk about have to do with ‘more doing.’
“All the things you can do take place in your head and heart. It’s about what you believe about yourself, God, your children, and others.
“...think and do things that will feel uncomfortable and will go against your natural tendencies...and that’s good, because your natural tendencies are to believe THE LIES.” p. 52

1. Be Real

“We Christian homeschoolers don’t like to be REAL. In fact, we are encouraged not to be real or are criticized when we are. So we do the only reasonable thing we can do--hide. Actually, we’ve been hiders since the very beginning of time.” p. 53

Genesis 2-4 Adam and Eve:
1. “They were naked and not ashamed...” Gen 2:25
2. Something happened to change all of that: They sinned.
3. What was the first thing they did after they sinned? They hid. Gen. 3:6-11
4. Why did they do that? “I would say that the root of their fear was this: ‘If God knows what we are really like, maybe He won’t like us anymore.” p. 53-54

But... “God knew what they were really like before they ate the fruit and after they ate the fruit, and He loved them just the same.”

Romans 5:6-10

Yet, we continue to struggle...
“Ever since that day, people have been hiding for the very same reason. If God and others know what I am really like, maybe they won’t like me anymore.
“Homeschooling moms look at them (images of perfect homeschooling families) and then look at their own families and think, I can’t let them see the real us. They’d be shocked because all good homeschooling families look like them...we’re the only dysfunctional homeschooling family on the planet.” p. 54-55

So we hide...
“...until we have a whole homeschooling population of hiders wearing masks of deception like actors on a stage.” p. 55

The Bi-Product of Hiding:
“It’s the terrible realization that you have to keep playing the game, which leaves you feeling alone and isolated, wishing so bad that someone would find you out but at the same time being scared to death that someone will.
“You feel like you can’t go on pretending to have it all together another minute, but you’re so also so afraid to stop playing the game.” p. 56

The Bi-Product of Being REAL:
“...freedom and healing.
“One of the greatest benefits of being REAL is people can pray for you and healing takes place.”
“No one prays because no one knows what to pray for...because most homeschooling moms are not REAL.” p. 57-58

James 5:16 - “The promise along with confessing is healing!!!”
Gal. 5:1
John 8:31-36

2. Be a REAL Listener
“Not only do you need to BE REAL, you also need to ALLOW OTHERS to BE REAL with you.” p. 58
“That kind of understanding opens the doorway to freedom, sharing, and deeper relationships. p. 59“
“Did you know that if you are a capable and diligent home educator, YOU could be a source of discouragement to others and at the same time cause others NOT to be REAL? You may share your ideas and gifts, thinking you are offering help but it only serves to reinforce the lie that someone else might believe.” p. 59-60

So, how then, can we help?
Don’t:
> feel the need to jump in and offer solutions
> judge others’ homeschooling methods or styles
> allow yourself to smugly think more of yourself and your choices

Do:
> empathize with others
> share some of the struggles you’ve faced in your homeschooling journey
> offer to pray for a friend and her homeschool
> ask her to pray for yours

1 Peter 4:8
Gal. 6:1-4
Rom. 12:9-16; 14:13; 15:1-7;
Eph. 4:14-16; 25; 32
Phil. 2:1-4
*Col. 3:13-17
Heb. 10:24-25

Discussion:
Who is the REALEST person you know?
What makes them so REAL?
Discuss the difference between being REAL and condoning sin.
In what area is it the hardest for you to be REAL?
Why do you think that is?
What do you normally ‘hide’ behind?
Do you think others feel like they can be REAL with you? Why or Why not?
How can someone pray for you in the are of REALness?

Truth for Lies ~ Part 3

Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe by Todd Wilson

Chapter 2 - Part 2

January 5, 2012

“For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, and we are ready to punish all disobedience, whenever your obedience is complete. You are looking at things as they are outwardly. If anyone is confident in himself that he is Christ's, let him consider this again within himself, that just as he is Christ's, so also are we.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-7

Lie #5 Everyone’s Marriage Is Better Than Yours.
When you see another couple showing affection or interacting in a healthy way, you assume that is the whole story of their life. When you are interacting with your husband in the same way, you do not value that moment because you are aware and (often too much) focus on the faults and failures you know are present in your married life. p.40

“When you believe it (this lie), it causes you to look around at all your friends and naively think, they really love each other and have no idea what our marriage is like.” p. 41

“I am convinced that others look at your marriage and think the very same thing about yours that you think about theirs. It’s the LIE, and you all believe it.

“...guys just don’t believe that lie...except...maybe the lie that their marriage is better than it really is.” p. 42

Truth #5 “...all marriages stink from time to time. That’s what happens when you put two people together. They argue, see things differently, say cutting comments, or give the silent treatment sometimes. That’s not just some marriages; that’s ALL marriages.”

See Colossians 3: 5-21; 1 Peter 3:1-9-12; Ephesians 5:22-33
All throughout the new testament we are taught and commanded to love with a love not our own. We are constantly being challenged to move out of our comfort zones, love those who are unlovely, and forgive, forgive, forgive. We are being exhorted in the passages above specifically regarding our married life. We are told to pursue and work out our struggles and lay down our lives for one another. The concept of loving each other and submitting to one another was markedly different to the Christian in that day than the worldly marriages around them. The same is true for us today. If marriage was easy and didn’t take effort or create the struggles that we daily face, then we wouldn’t need these admonishments. As it is, we are daily called to reflect Christ to one another, and every married couple with need the strength of the Lord to do that.

“To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:8-9

We ALL need these words because we ALL stumble to fulfill them.


Lie #6 Everyone Else Can Do It All.
“So why do you moms insist on believing that you should be able to do it all? I’ll tell you why. Because you believe the LIE that everyone else can.

“You’re an emotional wreck and find yourself saying to your kids, your husband, and yourself, ‘I can’t do it all.’ But inside, you still believe every other homeschooling mom can.” p.43

Truth #6 There is not a homeschool mom alive who can do it all well. No one can teach their kids all they need to know for the rest of their lives, keep a meticulously clean house, fix gourmet, healthy meals, meet all the needs of their husband, have a super model body, and be a spiritual giant. It just isn’t possible.

“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven - I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. He has made everything appropriate in its time. I know that everything God does will remain forever; there is nothing to add to it and there is nothing to take from it, for God has so worked that men should fear Him.” Ecclesiastes 3:1, 10, 11, 14

“He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.” Psalm 1:3-4

"I will make them and the places around My hill a blessing. And I will cause showers to come down in their season; they will be showers of blessing. Also the tree of the field will yield its fruit and the earth will yield its increase, and they will be secure on their land. Then they will know that I am the LORD, when I have broken the bars of their yoke and have delivered them from the hand of those who enslaved them.” Ezekiel 34:26-27

Lie #7 Every Other Mom Loves Homeschooling Her Kids
“Some enjoy parts of homeschooling but some hate every part of homeschooling except the results. The things that are the easiest are usually not very good for you, but those things that take blood, sweat, and tears are worth everything. Homeschooling must be really, really good because it’s really, really hard.”
p. 44-45

Truth #7 No one homeschools because it is easy. Most do it because they think it is the best.

What is our true purpose for home education? If it is best for us it is because it causes us to gain more of Christ by sharing in his struggles and sufferings as we strive to persevere. Let us not focus on what we were doing, could be doing, or enjoy doing more. Let us press on toward the goal and what Christ has waiting for us ahead.

“But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,...but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:7-8, 13-14


Lie #8 Everyone Else Is More Capable Than You.
Many feel defeated because they believe that others are more “qualified” to teach their children. They fear their children are being cheated in some way.

“...teaching your own children is nothing like teaching someone else’s children.” p.46

Truth #8 You are God’s ‘Plan A’ for your children

"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:5-7

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Lie #9 You Are The Only One Who Is Falling Apart And Feels The Way You Feel.
You might agree with all the other things we’ve talked about so far, but you’re still convinced that you’re the only one who is as bad as you. And sometimes being with a group of homeschooling moms heightens your feeling of failure. p. 47

If we believe this lie, we will isolate ourselves from the very truth and people meant to share these truths with us. We will continue to live a life of defeat.

Truth #9 We ALL struggle and need one another to gain victory.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” James 5:16, 19

“As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.” Ephesians 4:14-16

Summary: “If lies like these (and others) go unchecked and unchallenged, I guarantee the joy will be sucked right out of your home, your marriage, and your life. You will wake up every day dreading homeschooling and hoping that something will change to stop the nightmare.” p. 48

Discussion:
Of the lies in this section, which do you identify with most?
Why do you think this lie is the one that most affects you?
Is there anything that you do, or we do, as a group, that contributes to the lying pattern?
How can we “fine tune” our group so that we don’t contribute to this problem?